Maybe you’ve seen this happen to someone you know, and you’ve even experienced it yourself: A smart, successful woman is lured in by an abusive, manipulative, and often seemingly-normal person. Over time, she becomes anxious, confused, exhausted, and distant from herself and her foundation—the people and things that once brought her stability, joy, and success. How does this happen??
A Predictable Pattern
Narcissists are masters of manipulation, and there is a specific and predictable pattern they follow while reeling in their new sources of narcissistic supply. The good news is, once you’re aware of the pattern, their manipulation becomes much less effective.
Step 1 – The Hunt
Like predators in the wild, narcissists are vigilant when they meet someone new, looking for signs that the potential target is capable of meeting the narcissist’s need for validation and narcissistic supply. The targeted person also needs to be just strong enough to withstand what the narcissist will expect of them, but malleable enough that they will comply with the narcissist’s demands.
Step 2 – Research
Once they’ve found someone whom they deem worthy of spending the time and energy to “break in,” they use attention and affection to extract information from their target, learning everything they can about them—their wants, needs, dreams, deepest wounds and greatest fears. They work hard to make the targeted person feel safe so they remain open with the narcissist.
Step 3 – Creating A Persona
Next, the narcissist creates a false persona based upon what they’ve discovered. They transform into a savior and dream-come-true, which leads the targeted person to believe that the narcissist will meet all of their unmet needs (love, attention, safety, affection, devotion, etc…), which often originate in childhood.
Step 4 – Love Bombing
Finally, the narcissist uses the information they’ve gathered to say and do all the right things to manipulate their target and create wonderful experiences that the target has only dreamed of.
This is the Idealization Phase, the first phase in the narcissistic abuse cycle. Once the target is cemented to the narcissist, they withdraw their energy, giving out less as time goes on. The narcissist can’t maintain their facade, nor do they want to, because it takes too much energy and time.
What The Narcissist Looks For In A Target
- Empathy: Empathic people who are open and kind, and who love deeply. People with these traits are often loyal and won’t easily give up on a relationship once they’ve let someone in.
- Boundaries: The narcissist will do and say calculated, purposeful things to test the presence and strength of a target’s boundaries.
- Needs: Caring people who focus on the needs of others, rather than their own needs, are very attractive to a narcissist.
- Values: To set boundaries that are appropriate for us, we need to be clear on what our values are. Only then can we determine the boundaries that work best for us. Many victims of narcissistic abuse are clear about their values in certain areas of their lives, like work, health, communication or parenting, but they may lack awareness of healthy values in relationships. This can often be because of past trauma that has prevented them from learning what healthy relationships look and feel like.
What Love Bombing Is Like For The Target
- We talked on the phone for hours. I’m exhausted, but it was worth it.
- I feel more heard – seen – valued by him than I’ve ever felt before.
- I can’t stop thinking about him.
- He brings me flowers and cooks for me.
- He always opens the door for me and pulls out my chair.
- He’s different from anyone else I’ve ever been with.
- He gives me massages/foot rubs/back rubs. No man has ever pampered me like this.
- His touch makes me come alive.
- I’ve never had so much sex in my life, and it’s amazing.
- I never knew life could be this exciting.
- No one has ever loved me like he does.
- He’s teaching me so much about myself that I never knew.
- I used to need time alone each day, but now I hate to be away from him.
- I never used to drink/do drugs/go out this much, but life’s too short not to have fun!
Yes, some of these items can exist in the beginning stages of a healthy relationship too, but in a healthy relationship, we maintain our autonomy, self-care, and boundaries.
While these “wonderful things” are happening, the narcissist is slowly chipping away at the target’s defenses in the background, demanding more and shaping them into a version of themselves that appeals to the narcissist. They do this by encouraging the target’s behaviors they approve of and offering subtle (or not so subtle) cues of shame or disapproval – a change in tone of voice or an almost imperceptible facial expression that can feel like the end of the world to a target who is becoming addicted to the narcissist’s approval.
Those of us who got caught up in a narcissistic relationship did not know what we were walking into. Narcissists are masters of manipulation and are tenacious in finding people to meet their needs. Now you know the inside story of how they do it.
Knowledge is power. For more information, prompts for inner exploration, and empowering tools to heal after narcissistic abuse, check out my book, Brave Love 365: Daily Inspiration, Validation, and Support for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse and Toxic Relationships.
