What is narcissism?
The term “narcissist” originates from the Greek myth about a beautiful, arrogant young man named Narcissus. All the women around him tried to love him, but he pushed them away. He spurned the love of the nymph, Echo. As a result, the goddess Nemesis made Narcissus fall in love with himself. One day he saw the image of his beautiful face reflected in a pool of water. After that, he was unable to tear himself away from his reflection. When he discovered it was only an image and his love couldn’t be realized, he ended his life, or died of a broken heart, as different versions of the story go.
We hear the word “narcissist” thrown around often to describe someone who is arrogant, thinks of themselves often, or looks in the mirror a lot. Does that mean we’re all a little narcissistic? I will discuss two schools of thought on the answer to that question. Which one is correct? You can decide that for yourself.
Perspective #1 – We all possess narcissistic qualities.
Narcissistic traits run the spectrum from people who are a little self-absorbed and conceited, to those who destroy other people’s lives. Someone can have slight narcissistic tendencies. It’s another thing, entirely, if those narcissistic tendencies turn dark and destructive.
Healthy narcissism is defined as having a positive feeling about the self, while still being aware and respectful of others and the greater whole. This could include healthy pride in what we’ve accomplished, self-esteem, consideration of our wants and needs, self-respect and self-love. (It’s normal for children and adolescents to have a higher level of narcissism, as that is part of their development of a strong and positive sense of self.)
The flip side is pathological narcissism, when a person engages in chronic manipulation and devaluation of those close to them, leaving their victims feeling worthless, anxious, and tragically, even suicidal. If a victim has experienced trauma in childhood, narcissistic abuse can retrigger that early trauma, leaving victims with debilitating PTSD or Complex PTSD, and feeling lost, confused and alone.
Perspective #2 – Only narcissists are narcissistic.
The label of narcissist is reserved for people who destroy other people. This is vastly different than using the word “narcissist” as a societal buzzword to describe those who display behaviors we don’t like or appreciate. The number of victims being harmed or killed by narcissists make it clear that we are not all narcissistic, because we’re not all walking around consciously shattering other human beings to get our needs met.
My Thoughts
Looking in the mirror often can be a sign of narcissism, or a sign of internal insecurity. Being envious of other people can be a sign of narcissism, or it can reflect a life of lack and the resulting unhealed wounds within. Driving hot cars and maintaining a false persona can be a sign of narcissism, or it can be indicative of low-self esteem or general insecurity. There’s a world of difference between narcissism and self-centered behavior and I think it’s important to be conscious of how we are using the word “narcissist.” Some may use it flippantly or casually, but for many others, this term describes their nightmare.
There is also a potential danger in labeling seemingly self-centered behaviors as narcissism. When survivors of abuse begin to heal, it’s necessary for them to begin focusing on their own wants and needs, possibly for the first time ever, and setting boundaries to ensure they are practicing self-respect and good self-care. To the people who benefited from them not having needs or boundaries, it can seem very self-centered, narcissistic even, but it is far from pathological.
It goes against everything in me to label things like pride in what we’ve accomplished, good self-esteem, considering our wants and needs, self-respect, and self-love as any kind of narcissism after seeing and experiencing the devastation of narcissistic abuse.
Summary
Narcissistic abuse is straightforward, even if answering the question of whether we’re all a little narcissistic is not. It’s a mind-bending and reality-twisting form of abuse that creates chaos in the mind of the victim, who is not crazy. On the contrary. They are surviving one of the most difficult, painful things they will ever face in their lifetime.
Narcissistic abuse can also be an avenue into our greatest healing, bringing to life our deepest, most painful wounds. If we survive the abuse and find the help and support we need, it can propel us forward into a new, soul-driven life.
My book, Brave Love 365: Daily Inspiration, Validation, and Support for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse and Toxic Relationships, is a helpful tool that offers survivors of abuse the information necessary to understand what they’ve just experienced. In addition, the loving words and inspirational insights included in this book have assisted many survivors in moving forward on their healing journey after narcissistic abuse, while learning to love and be devoted to themselves.
Thanks for reading my blog. Please pass it along if you feel it would benefit someone. I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
Erika
