This blog is written in the context of a narcissistic relationship between intimate partners, but the information below is also applicable to other toxic relationships, including those with family members, bosses, friends, relatives, etc…
- Narcissistic abuse is domestic abuse. The U.S. Department of Justice defines domestic abuse as a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, or technological actions or threats of actions or other patterns of coercive behavior that influence another person within an intimate partner relationship. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone. You can reach out to your local domestic abuse organization for help and support.
- Narcissistic abuse can erase someone without them knowing it’s even happening. After the love-bombing stage, once the narcissist knows we’re not going anywhere, they slowly begin to shape and mold us into the idealized version of us they hold in their mind. They may attempt to tell us what to eat, how to dress, stand, speak, walk, or style our hair, or even who to speak to and who to avoid. Often, their “suggestions” include a dose of shame, leaving us feeling bad about who we truly are. When this happens repeatedly, we move further from our true self. Many survivors report looking in the mirror and not recognizing the face staring back at them.
- We give the narcissist as much of our energy and our power when we react with anger, as when we react with happiness and excitement. Narcissists live behind a façade which takes energy to create and maintain. In addition, they abandon their truest self, which is the part of them connected to Source. As a result, they need energy from other people to survive. We call this their “narcissistic supply.” Narcissists get lots of energy from us, along with a sense of power and control, when they trigger us and we get upset and react. What really blew my mind as I was learning more about narcissistic abuse, was that I even fed my abuser my energy when I was happy and excited. No wonder I was always exhausted!
- Narcissists don’t just wound us. They also unearth our deepest unhealed childhood wounds. The pain that follows being discarded by a narcissist can be more intense and unbearable than any other pain we’ve ever experienced. Not only are we exhausted and depleted, reeling mentally and emotionally, but we’re also left to deal with our unhealed childhood wounds that have been excavated and ripped open. It’s A LOT to deal with and that’s why it’s important to reach out for support as we move forward on our healing journey.
- Narcissistic abuse is predictable. When I first began writing about narcissistic abuse, I was concerned about getting in legal trouble if I talked about some of the things I experienced in my abusive relationship. What I soon found, as I researched and talked with other survivors, was that I wasn’t alone. Many of the exact same things were experienced by other survivors. The cycle of abuse is predictable, stage by stage, and the abuse tactics that narcissists use are similar, if not exactly the same. That’s why I wrote Brave Love 365: Daily Inspiration, Validation and Support for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse and Toxic Relationships. It’s important to learn the language of narcissistic abuse, to become effective at practicing strategies like “gray rocking,” to understand what the narcissist’s “harem” is and to know and avoid “flying monkeys.”
- Narcissists are not strong and powerful. Often, the narcissist seems larger than life. They appear intelligent, confident, and full of charisma. As the abuse intensifies, they hold our very sense of self in their hands, which they toy with, giving them overwhelming power in our lives. In truth, when a narcissist doesn’t have someone in their life to extract power and living energy from, they can literally wilt. One survivor left their abusive partner and before the narcissist found their new target, the survivor saw a photo of the abuser which she described like this. “His entire body looked flat and contracted, as if it had actually shrunk. His face looked almost gray and lacked the spark of energy that was so attractive to me.”
- Narcissistic abuse opens the door for deep inner healing. For the people who survive narcissistic abuse (tragically, not everyone does), the door is open for transformational growth and healing. Narcissists bring us into the depths of our darkness, which allows us to experience and know the parts of us we often keep hidden away. We meet the devastated, unhealed inner parts of us that need love and devotion, who are so terrified of abandonment, they’ll gladly go against our values and best interests to ensure the narcissist doesn’t leave. Many of the things that get triggered within us during abuse are wounds from childhood, which the narcissist is proficient at waking up again. With the proper support, and that looks different for everyone, we can heal the layers deep within us that we may not otherwise have been able to access.
- Closure is not possible with the narcissist. Many survivors try to avoid cutting off contact with their abusive partner after they’re discarded. I did the same thing. I tried to tell myself he was “family” and we would always be connected. A narcissist will never offer closure or completion. They routinely keep past lovers and partners within arm’s reach. Then, if their current source of narcissistic supply isn’t giving them what they need, they can reach out to their “harem” and get a quick energetic fix. Narcissists often get triggered when their victims go “no contact” and block them. As we heal, we come to love ourselves again and become fiercely devoted to keeping ourselves safe and creating a new life, which brings the closure we need.
Photo by Idean Azad on Unsplash
